Play in the days of COVID-19

The good old days, driving my Miata at Carolina Motorsports Park.

Now that the initial anxiety of the pandemic has worn off—or maybe it has just worn us down so that we’re used to it, we’re all adjusting to this altered life. I’m fortunate to be able to shelter in place and continue my work virtually. But the fun things in life that I look forward to—traveling to new places, camping, visiting friends and family, going out to hear music and eat in restaurants, driving my Miata at the race track, hiking in parks where I may encounter other people—they’re all off of the table. Isn’t play still important?

Getting in touch with your playful self

COVID-19 forced me to do some soul-searching about play and what it means in my life. In the early weeks, watching movies and reading was enough. As I started to yearn for more, I coincidentally got to the chapter in Brigid Shulte’s Overwhelmed on play. She documents how, as adults, we tend to give up play. This is especially true for women. We view play as frivolous, something we need to earn, that we’ll do when everything else on our to-do list is checked off. Research shows that play, in fact, has a biological role. It helps us solve problems and bounce back from scary situations.

“The opposite of play isn’t work, it’s depression”

— Stuart Brown, M.D., neuroscientist and founder of the National Institute for Play

Play, it seems, has a critical role in maintaining sanity during challenging time…like these, for example. What, then, do you do if, like me, you’ve lost your usual outlets during COVID-19?

The explorer, circa 1971…when neither crisp photography nor smiling was a thing!

In his TED talk, Brown suggests that we look backward as far as we can in search of the most clear, joyful, playful image we have. Then build from the emotion of that image to connect with life today. I don’t have a lot of vivid childhood memories, but this one was surprisingly easy for me. In no time, I can recall how I loved to explore as a kid. I would take off on foot, either in the subdivision where my family lived or “in the hills”—the neighboring acreage on which a rancher ran cattle. My goal was to get lost—to end up someplace that I hadn’t seen before so I would then have to find my way back home. Looking for landmarks that I might recognize to orient myself was a wonderful part of the game. As a teenager, I extended my range by riding my horse. While my friends rode their horses in the arena, preparing for horse shows, I took my stubborn nag into the hills to explore new places.

Bringing it into the present

Talking about play with Ron, I found that he was drawn to these same kinds of activities as a child. We laughingly refer to ourselves as “explorers”. Having taken the time to remember this childhood joy changed the way we look at our current lives. Now we look for new places to check out on our weekly hikes, relishing the road less traveled and honoring our “explorer” natures. Right in our own backyard, we’ve stumbled across some wonderful new (to us) lightly used walking paths and historic ruins that capture our imaginations. Going out “exploring” is now the highlight of our week. And it is not only fun to do in the moment, but it provides a lift in spirits and joy that sticks around afterwards. Kind of like the afterglow of a great concert or visit with far-away friends.

What do you do for fun?

Dolphin joy is contagious! This one followed our sailboat in to Leinster Bay on St. John and waited around for us to get anchored so we could jump in the water and play.

Exploring is just one example and may very well not be yours. But where do you find your own joy? Maybe you loved playing with mud pies, writing or telling stories, building things, playing the trumpet, wrestling, playing dress up. What might you be able to incorporate back in to your life today, given our current constraints? Now more than ever, we need to make time for some lighthearted fun for our souls!

Need a second opinion on your personal finance strategy? Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Just Cause You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Part of Congress’ response to COVID-19’s economic impact has been to eliminate the 10% penalty when those under 59-1/2 withdraw funds from retirement accounts. Contributions to and earnings on these “qualified accounts” are income tax deferred, making them excellent vehicles for saving for retirement. When you contribute to your IRA or 401(k), that contribution is subtracted from your taxable income—sweet! And as long as you leave the money in this qualified account, you won’t pay taxes on either increases in value or investment income. In this way, the federal government encourages us to do what is in our own best interest—save for retirement, a time in our lives when we won’t be earning an income. And, because delaying gratification is hard, to further incent us not to change our minds about those retirement savings, withdrawing funds from a 401(k) or IRA before reaching age 59-1/2 would normally trigger a 10% penalty in addition to the withdrawal being taxed as income—ouch!

But now, if COVID-19 has made you or your family sick or caused you economic distress, you can withdraw from your 401(k) or IRA without paying a 10% penalty, even if you’re younger than 59-1/2. (Note—I’m only talking about traditional IRAs here. The withdrawal of contributions from Roth IRAs, to which you contribute money that has already been taxed, have always been penalty and income tax free.) Congress made this exception so that in this extraordinarily difficult time people can access their retirement savings. But the fact that they created this exception doesn’t mean that taking advantage of it will be good for you. Here are three reasons why raiding your retirement account is a bad idea, even without the 10% penalty:

1.    Empathize with your future self

Present self—meet future self. I can remember when I was a kid trying to imagine what the world would look like at the turn of the century when I would be 42. I couldn’t do it. We aren’t very good at imagining our future selves and are even less likely to care deeply about them. But if you don’t look out for future you, who will? The day will most likely come when you will be unwilling or unable to continue to work. By putting away a little in a retirement account now, you can secure your standard of living in that far away (or not so far away) future. A small price for present self reaps a large benefit for future self. Still, it can be hard to forego the pleasure of spending today for some nebulous future self who wants to retire. So once you’ve done the heavy-lifting to get money into your retirement account, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by taking it back out!

You may be thinking “oh, but I have three years to pay it back”, and that is true for these special COVID-19 withdrawals. But what makes you think it’ll be easier (or even possible) to pay it back later than it is to just leave it alone today? The historical data says the people don’t pay back money they’ve borrowed or withdrawn from retirement accounts. Once it has been spent, it is forgotten. And you will miss it when you’re older and have a lot fewer options than you do right now.

2. The Golden Rule of Investing

Remember that we should always buy low and sell high? By cashing in your retirement funds, you’re turning this golden rule on its head. The market is down and so is the value of the long term stock investments in your retirement account. Right now that is a paper loss only, nothing to lose sleep over. Leave it alone and over time the market and your investments will recover and then continue to grow. If you take a withdrawal, you will sell low and turn your paper loss into a real loss. By taking a real loss and moving the money out of your retirement account, there is no way for that investment to ever recover.

3.     Then there are the taxes

You will owe taxes on the money you withdraw. The 10% penalty is waived, but withdrawals from retirement accounts are still considered taxable income. If you’re in the 22% income tax bracket, you’ll owe $220 on a $1,000 withdrawal. (Note: Your tax bill will vary; your income determines your tax bracket.) Congress has created another break for people who go ahead and withdraw money from retirement accounts. Instead of including the entire withdrawal in your 2020 taxable income, you can split it over three years. As a result, in our example you could pay $73.33 in extra taxes with your 2020, 2021 and 2022 tax returns instead of paying the entire $220 when you file for 2020. But you will have to pay it—the entire $1,000 isn’t yours to keep.

And, to get you even more cash quickly, Congress has waived mandatory withholding on the COVID-19 withdrawals from retirement accounts. In non-COVID times, if you requested a $1,000 withdrawal from your retirement plan, the plan sponsor would withhold 20% ($200) to pay the taxes you likely would end up owing. Not now—today you can have the whole $1,000. But you still have to come up with the $220 at tax time (or $73.33 for the next three tax times). In the years I spent preparing income tax returns, I never met a filer who was happy to get a tax bill. In fact, most of the people who owed were surprised by the bill and had trouble coming up with the funds to pay it when due. You don’t want to owe the IRS money!

These are tough times with plenty of economic pain to go around. Before you decide to take money out of your retirement account, look in to all of the COVID-19 assistance available. Not only can many types of payments be deferred (mortgages, loans, utilities), there are programs to provide food and other resources. Because this pandemic is affecting so many Americans, lots of assistance is available. When you want to retire but don’t have any money, there won’t be a program for that—you’ll be on your own!!

Would you sleep better at night if you had a trusted professional advising you on financial decisions? Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Decision fatigue

Why does the mail (e or snail) pile up? The clothes closet go unsorted? Why is there food in my pantry that is older than my nieces and nephew?

I’m thankful to behavioral scientists for providing me with an out…I mean an explanation. Decision fatigue. Our brains grow literally weary of making choices, even seemingly simple ones. At the end of a jam-packed workday, who wants to hear “what do you want to do for dinner”? During COVID-19, we are faced with more, not less, decisions as we have to find new ways to accomplish everyday tasks. My educator friends went from one day teaching in person in classrooms to the next teaching totally online. Talk about a learning curve!

A decision hack

I’m all about learning new things, but can we reduce some of the decisions we have to make to prevent decision fatigue and the resulting pile up of both physical and mental clutter? There’s a straightforward solution, though it may not sound appealing: rules. Make rules for yourself to reduce decision making. Steve Jobs wore the same black turtleneck, blue jeans and New Balance sneakers every day to eliminate some small decisions. It freed his mind for more important things. Not being Steve Jobs, I have rules for things like seat belts (I always put one on when I get in any vehicle) and keys (go on the hook by the door as I come through it). But it’s the same principle—making some things automatic frees us up for the choices we do want to have the energy left to make.

Improving our new reality

When you find your daily life has been completely disrupted—say by retiring, starting to work from home, or maybe having all of your regularly scheduled activities canceled by COVID-19—the newfound freedom can be intoxicating! When I transitioned to working from my home office, I was so delighted by this freedom, I didn’t want to put any constraints on it. I would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted! It didn’t take long to discover that I wasn’t actually doing much of anything. Too many choices led to not making any. It turns out that, when we’re avoiding making decisions and commitments, it is easy to spend time scrolling through screens or watching TV. And the most accessible are some of our least gratifying pastimes.

My beautiful iris—it is spring in North Carolina!

A few constraints make for a much more satisfying day. For example, you might set a bedtime and a wake-up time, have a rule for what time you’ll “arrive” in your home office. I try to have breakfast at about the same time each morning and have an end-time for work. Colleagues have teased me for years about eating the same thing, day after day. But eating the same breakfast and lunch is my version of Steve Jobs’ dress code. It not only eliminates the decisions about what to eat for those two meals, but a cascade of meal prep and grocery shopping decisions, too. The same stuff is always on the grocery list.

Habit stacking

Developing a few rules also gives you an opportunity to practice habit stacking. While some rules are time of day or location dependent, BJ Fogg created the habit stacking method to give us an obvious clue to trigger a habit. For example, every time I come in from outside, I wash my hands. This new COVID-19 behavior is a variation of an old habit—washing my hands before preparing food. Linking a new behavior, decision free, to an existing habit can be a beautiful thing! Habit stacking makes my morning routine—coffee, stretching, making the bed—flow effortlessly. Left to my own devices, there’s no telling if the stretching or bed making would even happen most days (coffee has its own triggers!).

The rules and habits you create not only simplify your days, they free up mental energy to make decisions. You know, like “do I really need to go to Costco to shop?” and “when do I need to keep my face covered?” While we’re sheltering in place, we’re faced with a whole new many branched decision tree that has grown out of what used to be one choice—for example, whether or not go to the grocery store. These are challenging times. Let’s give ourselves every break we can!

Need to do some habit stacking and put some rules around your financial life? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Embracing Uncertainty—or Que Sera, Sera

Discomfort with uncertainty is part of being human. We like to know what is going on and believe we understand what’s coming. It gives us the comfortable illusion of being in control. We’ve been wired this way over centuries and, as a result, our brains are constantly on the lookout for patterns that will help us determine what will happen next. Failure to do so makes us anxious.

Some of us, particularly the subset of the human race who are financial planners, are so interested in control that we spend our time planning for the unknowable future. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the planning process, even though it doesn’t mean we can accurately predict the future. The process, even without being prescient, is valuable because it allows us to thoughtfully consider our options and the consequences of different strategies, then make decisions that are reasonably likely to help us achieve our wishes. Planning helps us better prepare for a variety of possible futures.

In the danger zone

But what happens when unexpected stuff happens? You know, like the things happening in our lives during this pandemic? Another very normal response, when the unexpected happens and catches us unaware, is to catastrophize. I’ve found myself doing this and maybe you have, too. Fox example, I learned my brother was sick with COVID-19 symptoms. I was gripped with fear—sweaty palms, racing heart, the works! In the absence of a functioning, reliable crystal ball, my brain supplies its own story—he’ll get worse, he’ll have to be hospitalized, there won’t be a ventilator available, he’ll die. No, no, I can’t bear to lose another person I love, I just lost my dad!

We can catch ourselves and reframe the scary situation. It turns out that uncertainty isn’t the worst thing, our catastrophic imaginary scenarios are. As meditation superstar teacher Sharon Salzberg tells us, believing we know the future—and that it’s awful—is worse than uncertainty. When I start to go down the catastrophic road, it is a relief to remind myself that life is uncertain and I don’t know the future. I’m not in charge. Life happens. Channel Doris Day singing “Que Sera, Sera”. Take a deep breath. I’ll take uncertainty and accepting that I’m not in charge over my own detailed worst case scenario every time. Try this yourself at home next time you find yourself going down this path.

Calm down and reconsider

Once I’ve calmed down my right brain and retreated from panic mode, I can examine the situation more rationally to see if there’s an action I should take. In my example, my left brain reminded me of a few facts: that COVID-19 is more likely not to be fatal in healthy people without contributing factors, like my brother, that the hospitalization and death rates actually quite small. That really all I need to do is show my love and concern by staying in touch. And the right brain is settled enough to listen and be persuaded.

I hope that you, too, will find comfort in dark moments from remembering that we don’t know the future. Welcome uncertainty—it can be a good thing.

By the way, my brother is almost fully recovered. I haven’t told him about my anxiety attack, though!

Would working with an understanding personal finance expert let you get a better night’s sleep? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Check out Dan Harris’ wonderful interview with Sharon Salzberg on his Ten Percent Happier Podcast!

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Thank goodness for other people!

In this strange new world we inhabit, I find solace in working with my clients (virtually, of course). What a welcome respite it is to spend an hour, or many hours, wrapped up in the lives of others—their hopes, their values, their concerns and fears. Putting my own self-absorption to the side, I can bring my whole self to just listen during our conversations. And being listened to during difficult times is a true comfort.

Solutions, solutions, everywhere

As a financial planner, I love coming up with solutions! But when I give my clients the space to talk, they often surface their own solutions. After all, they know themselves and their lives better than I ever will. Importantly, we are far more likely to actually follow through on the solutions that we’ve crafted ourselves. Sure, I provide input where clients need it. Spending all of my time thinking about personal finance, I probably am aware of a tool, practice or consequence they wouldn’t know of otherwise. Frequently, in the COVID-19 days, all I need to provide is reassurance: “yes, that sounds like a good move” or “yes, there will be life on the other side of this.” All they needed was a calm presence and to have their concerns heard.

We’re in this together

And all I needed was to make that human connection, to be there for these people about whom I care deeply. Make no mistake, it is frightening to have others look to you for reassurance in days like these. As Vanguard’s Michael DiJoseph said in a recent webinar, “People aren’t scared they’re losing money, they’re scared they’re losing their futures.” While we may quite literally dealing with fear of death, we also fear the loss of our dreams. Who knew that holding a friend’s hand or a date night at a restaurant would feel like a dream? So I repeatedly need to calm my own fears. I remind myself that I don’t need to know the details of the future or have all of the answers to help. I can be a steadying influence in turbulent times by being willing to calmly listen. A mindfulness practice is helping me be ready to listen. If you never have before, now may be the time to try meditation or mindful breathing—it really does work!

Help another, help yourself

When I’m calm and listening and I see my clients growing calmer and more relaxed, there is no better feeling! Being kind and of service to others is my value, my goal. I’m grateful for the moments when I approach it. In doing so, my own preoccupations, concerns and fears drop away. And I feel hope for our shared future. So during these days of physical distancing, I say “thank goodness for other people”!

“My salvation is being interested in others”

— Sylvia Boorstein

You can enjoy Dan Harris’ uplifting interview with the delightful Sylvia Boorstein here:

Ten Percent Happier Dan Harris with Sylvia Boorstein

These are challenging times for us all. Need to talk? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Where did my blog go?

Sung to the tune of The Supremes “Where did our love go”

You may have noticed—I am rarely at a loss for words and I have an opinion about almost everything. During most of 2019, my blog was my favorite outlet for sharing my ideas. So what happened?

The last two years, Ron and I have taken the month of September off to travel. This gave my siblings plenty of advanced notice so they could plan to travel to North Carolina to keep our dad company while Ron and I were out of town. To make sure that Ron got a slice of my attention, I planned not to write my regular blog posts during our travels.

Back to real life

My re-entry into regular life, work and spending time with Dad, took time to work through when October rolled around. By November, we were seeing early signs that Dad was going to have a rough winter. By Christmas, he was clearly declining and, along with him, my bandwidth. During those months, I had plenty to say, but little that I wanted to post on my website! My focus narrowed to working with Ron to take care of Dad as best we could and keeping fueled and rested enough to take on each new day. Working with clients was a welcome respite—an escape into the world of someone else’s challenges. But I didn’t have a scrap to share with the world, so no blog posts.

Christmas 2019

All good things must end

Dad had a blessedly short decline and died on February 8th. True to his nature, he was active right up until the end—in church on Sunday, out to dinner on Tuesday, died on Saturday—at 98! Since his death, my bandwidth has been devoted to all of the details of honoring a lost loved one and the more practical matters that go along with it…not to mention trying to process the hole in my heart left by his loss. But my blog will be back because I still have plenty of ideas to share, it’ll just take time.

In loving memory

In the meantime, if you’re so inclined, check out Dad’s online obituary and the story our local TV station ran about his death:

Obituary--Les Agnello

WXII12 Winston-Salem Dash fan Les Agnello dies

Are you working through a financial decision? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

My dad turns 98 today. It is a more momentous occasion for me than him—he’s seen a bunch of these before. Dad leads a pretty good life—lots of sleeping and dreaming about a way of life that no longer exists interspersed with some fun waking activities—baseball games, the symphony, Glenn Miller Orchestra concerts, oysters on the half-shell, strawberry milkshakes, pasta with marinara and, for his birthday today—apple pie and ice cream. He has moments of complete lucidity when he wants to know all about my call with a potential new client and whether Ron is playing table tennis today. These are interrupted by bouts of confusion, lethargy and silence. And he’s still my dad—he really cares about all of the little details of my life and whether they make me happy or sad. I’m aware that I’m one of the fortunate few who still have a loving parent after age 60.

 Caregiving and purpose

Dad is unaware of how caring for him gives meaning and purpose to our daily lives. And this isn’t because we care for Dad in our own home—we don’t. With his cognitive impairment, he requires the round-the-clock care that an assisted living provides. Our role, in addition to handling the practical details of Dad’s life, is companionship and entertainment, giving him a reason to get out of bed and leave the dreams behind for at least a few hours every day. This can be quite an undertaking!

Any time you’re hanging out with an older person, it’s an opportunity to flex your patience muscle. I know mine can use the workout! Old people move slowly and do things in slow motion. They’re at their best when they aren’t rushed. Time together is a chance to slow down our fast lane lives. I’ve had lots of experience practicing this in the 10 years since my mom had a stroke. Prior to Mom’s stroke, I hadn’t spent time with anyone in a fragile, slow moving state. These last 10 years have been an education!

The way things REALLY are

I’ve had less practice and little success mastering my more recent challenge—my reactions to Dad’s “observations”. Dad not only has cognitive impairment, but also advanced wet macular degeneration. He’s legally blind and has just a bit of peripheral vision. His cognitive deficiency keeps him from understanding that he’s blind. And his brain evidently provides him with lots of information (illusions, to my way of thinking) about the world around him. This makes for some interesting (ok, uncomfortable, for me) conversations. Periodically, Dad will mention that he would like to get his driver’s license back. I’ll pause to gather myself, remembering the negotiations and tactics that my siblings and I used more than a decade ago, before he lost his vision, to get him to stop driving. Then I’ll say, “gee, Dad, you don’t have a car anymore. Where would you like to go?” Notice I couldn’t stand to just go the distraction route but first had to inject a bit of reality (no more car), in particular—MY reality.

Days when Dad is engaged can be as challenging for me as those when he’s confused and mostly silent. On the engaged days, he’ll do a running commentary of the things he “sees” along the route to my house, church, Costco, or a restaurant. “Look at the size of that house” as we drive by a fallow farm plot, “that’s a huge picnic table” for a field of soybeans, “what kind of store is that” for a stand of pine trees, “there’s a bunch of kids here” as we pass an old farm house in the dark of night. My goal is to agree, not challenge, and engage…but it’s hard. When he mentioned the kids, at night, I asked how he had seen them when it was so dark. My way of nudging him towards my view of the world. He explained that he had seen the kids through the windows of the house another day when he was passing by. Why is it so hard for me not to react to my dad’s altered reality? More importantly, why do I so strongly want to correct his illusions when they don’t even matter? The answer to that question may be obvious to everyone but me—feel free to enlighten me! What I do know is that Dad is giving me the opportunity to regularly practice not trying to impose my views on others. Just like practicing patience, learning not to have my view prevail is going to be a useful life skill!

Gratitude, with a side of uncertainty

I’m thankful that my dad has made it to 98…and wondering how long this stage will last? Dad appears to be going strong. Will that continue? Will we be able to continue to balance caregiving with the rest of our lives? Life is full of uncertainty. I’ll try to embrace each new chance to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Happy birthday, Dad, and many happy returns!

Looking for a partner to help you sort out your current challenges? Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Taking on the money taboo

Every once in a while, my dad will ask me how much one of my siblings makes. It never fails to punch my buttons. Yes, he’s almost 98 and has some cognitive impairment that results in a toddler-level filter. I know I should cut him some slack and not bristle at the subject. But that prohibition on talking about money goes deep, even though I’m a financial planner and talk about money for a living!

Americans would rather talk about anything—sexual orientation, marital problems, political views or mental illness, than personal finances…and by a significant margin. (Check out this  Capital Group study for more.)  For those of us who were brought up in a culture where money isn’t discussed, we probably aren’t even discussing it with family and close friends. In a study of couples, Fidelity found that while 72% of those surveyed thought they communicated exceptionally or very well, more than 4 in 10 (43%) didn’t know how much money their partner made…and 10% of those who didn’t were off by $25,000 or more! This taboo is holding us back and creating potential minefields in our homes and relationships. Money transparency has huge implications for both financial literacy and equity in our society—if we never talk about money, how will women or underserved populations know that they aren’t being paid at the same level as white men? Here, though, I’m only going to focus on the impact of the taboo on money talk in our own homes, with our significant others.

I’ve written previously about the need to share our information so loved ones can step in in the case of death or incapacity. It is crucial. But it’s only the tip of the iceberg. How many of us engage wholeheartedly and openly with our partners about our money? The fact that you’re reading this blog means you’re likely the money person in your relationship (unless you live in one of those rare households where both partners are interested in personal finance!). An article in the New York Times earlier this year made a point that should be obvious—the less a person is involved with money tasks, the less competent he becomes with them. You can fill in anything in the place of money (cooking, driving, parenting) and you’ll see that this is logical. But of course we divide up tasks—it’s a lot more efficient than splitting everything right down the middle. We have our preferences and take on the responsibilities that play to our strengths and interests…or where we just lost the coin toss. Why should money be different?

It should be! While money isn’t the most important thing in our lives, it is a tool that facilitates the rest of our lives. If I do all of the laundry and Ron mows the lawn, we each have a deficit in the other’s area…but the impact of those deficits isn’t a major disruption if one of us is suddenly out of the picture. Handling the household money and financial decisions is in a whole different dimension than our other household duties. It’s worth making an effort to keep both partners money competent. I’ve been rethinking my own role as the money person in my relationship and getting after my clients to consider their own roles.

When the other shoe drops

If you are the money person, odds are the day will come when there’s a challenge you can’t meet—maybe unexpected medical expenses, or career burn-out, or, gulp, you up and die. In any case, your oblivious partner now gets a crash course, possibly with no teacher, in your finances. If you’re still present, you get to experience not only your own anxiety over the current situation but your spouse’s shock, awe, anger, an entire gamut of emotions, none our favorites, over the new discovery. Some of this angst won’t even be directed at you—he’ll probably be furious with himself that he allowed himself to sleepwalk through his financial life for years, assuming that you would just take care of it. But he may also be angry with your efforts to manage the situation and keep the details to yourself. In the best case scenario, you’re both acutely aware that, at least when it comes to money, your relationship hasn’t been completely open and honest. Time for some hard work to restore trust and learn to make decisions as partners.

We can leave the taboo behind

What a difference it can make in our lives if we do break the taboo and talk about money. For the money person, it can be a relief to share your concerns, plans, and schemes with the partner whose life is also going to be profoundly impacted. For the non-money partner, it may feel like a burden at first, particularly to be made aware of challenges and concerns from which you had previously been shielded. But the confidence of knowing where you stand, where you’re going and how you’re going to get there is so much more satisfying than either blissful ignorance or vague uncertainty. And your relationship will reap the rewards of better communication and shared responsibility. I’m not saying it’s easy or comfortable, only that getting on the same page about money and feeling like you’re in it together is a giant step forward.

Ready to take on talking about money? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

I’m back!

Moosehead Lake, Maine

September is my sabbatical month, an entire month set aside to do the traveling and exploring that doesn’t fit in to my lifestyle the remaining 11 months of the year. Awesome, isn’t it? By the time summer arrives, I’m longing for the break, imagining how good it’ll feel to put the pressures of daily life (and baseball season!) on hold. But come September 1, I’m still surprised, though I’ve done this before, that time off doesn’t sweep in to my life with a huge sigh of relief. Guess I need a reminder—change, even good, longed for, sought after change, is hard! Seriously, I am saying that there’s a period of adjustment even to a change as wonderful as a month of travel. Despite the pressure and stress of daily life, I lead a life that I’ve chosen and procured to fit me just right, a life I really love. So, when my entire routine is disrupted, come September travel, I’m out of sorts…just when I should be ecstatic! And that discombobulated feeling is compounded by my own expectations—that I’ll transition fluidly and seamlessly from my “at home” daily routine to my “travel” daily routine, that I’ll only feel exhilaration at the new found freedom and joy at having time to see the world and spend uninterrupted hours with Ron. It’s a double-whammy, all brought on by…yours, truly!

Now I’m relaxed—after a delicious meal on the Cafe Lafayette Dinner Train in Lincoln, NH!

It’s all about expectations

Expectations are everything—I’m adding a calendar reminder to this effect on next August 31st. Need to remember it so I can be prepared. Maybe I should add it for August 1st, instead, so I have a whole month to get into the right mindset for my transition. A wiser, more realistic version of myself will expect that abandoning my daily routine will unsettle me. She’ll consider in advance some small, comforting, self-care measures to build in to those first sabbatical days to ease the transition. She’ll also temper those expectations of bliss. That exalted state of freedom may or may not come, but probably won’t in the first few days. The change of focus and activities will, on the whole, be a good thing, even a very good thing, but it won’t be heralded in by fireworks, fanfare, or even a sudden relief from the stress of daily life. One kind of stress—getting things done so I can pick up Dad for dinner, remaining patient and kind when he is confused and asks me the same question for the 17th time…will be replaced by another. When you’re traveling with another person, decisions about how the day is spent are suddenly joint…a big adjustment for the two very independent souls in my household who are accustomed to going our own ways with no explanation and just a wave of the hand.

Just do it anyway

Happy hikers in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

Change is good! Big and small, mixing things up makes life better…or shows us that what we’ve got right now is pretty darned good! I remind myself that I’ve made the greatest gains in life satisfaction when I’ve taken the leap and made scary changes—career changes, moving across the country or to another country altogether, committing to a relationship, caring for my parents. The key to navigating the transitions with the least amount of psychic wear and tear is to manage my own expectations of the process and my reactions to it.

Here I sit, a month after returning from my September sabbatical. I expected (that word, again!) re-entry into daily life to be bumpy…and it has been! My daily routine was not re-established overnight. In fact, the process of restarting my at home daily routine has been an opportunity to examine each piece with fresh eyes, to see how the pieces work and fit together. Some parts reverted to their pre-September sabbatical form and some have morphed, been moved to a new time slot, or been abandoned completely. I aspire to regular blog posts, but they haven’t returned quickly. I’ve still got plenty of room for calibrating my expectations, but it does feel good to be back in my groove!

I love partnering with people who are in transition! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message if you would like help working through yours.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Sad endings and new beginnings

At the final game of the season, I’m rewarded for being a faithful Winston-Salem Dash fan with a ball signed by the players.

Tonight is Winston-Salem Dash game #70, the end of our Minor League Baseball home season. If you haven’t been following on my Facebook page, my dad will achieve his 70 game streak tonight. Pretty impressive for a 97 year old fan! I teased the team president because Dad will be at more home games this season than he will. I haven’t been to every game—Ron covered for me in a few and my sister’s family took Dad to a couple. But I’ve been there enough to have lots of friends at that ballpark, people I look forward to seeing and exchanging a few words with (hey, I’m busy calling plays for Dad, whenever he isn’t getting hugs and kisses from one of his women friends). So as much as it’s a relief (sorry, Dad) to know that I’ll have a seven month break from being at the ballpark most nights of the week, I’m sad to say “see you next season” to my friends.

The Circle of Life

I’ve never been comfortable with goodbyes. When I leave a long time job, my strategy is to carry on my daily business right up until the last hour, then walk out the door as if I were coming back the next morning. Cowardly of me, right? I’m not in denial. In fact, I’m acutely aware that things will never be the same, that folks who have been a cherished, integral, part of my daily life no longer will be, that many friendships won’t survive the severing of daily proximity. I’ve done this enough times to know that saying goodbyes and pledging to keep in touch and keep things going isn’t going to make that happen. Nope, the old, however much we love parts or all of it, will fall away. And it has to, for the next phase to begin. This exact case is made by Sherwin B. Nuland in How We Die: Reflections on Life’s Final Chapter—that we age and deteriorate precisely so we can die and make way for the younger, stronger, more capable to have their time in the sun.

Hanging on, letting go

Dad’s 70 game streak is recognized with a team jersey, presented by Clubhouse Manager Marlon Quattlebaum (left) and ballpark manager Kit Edwards (right). What doesn’t show in the photo is that the jersey has been signed by all of the Winston-Salem Dash players.

Many years ago, we left New York in our small sailboat, headed for the Virgin Islands via Bermuda. I had been in New York long enough to consider myself a New Yorker—it was my chosen adopted home. I loved the city, being in the investment world, my good friends and extended network that included my fellow swimmers and staff at my Y, the lady who sold me my Wall Street Journal in the morning, and the security guards in my office building. Excited as I was to sail off into the sunset and start a new life, it tore a hole in my heart to give up my entire support system, other than Ron and Phoebe Alice, our boat.

Sailing long distances double-handed is taxing. You’re either on watch or resting up for your next watch. I didn’t have a lot of time on my hands to ponder my loss…except when I was trying to sleep during my time off-watch, down below in my sea berth, getting tossed around by what turned out to be the nastiest weather we would ever experience on a sailing passage. Lying in my berth, I would dream that my office phone was ringing and, try as I might, I couldn’t quite get to it. Of all of the things, longingly remembering a ringing phone was unexpected! Maybe this was my brain’s symbolic shorthand for a severed connection? After all these years, I still remember dreaming of that ringing phone.

I’m pretty excited about the baseball with the team’s signatures that Marlon gave me!

We have to give up something, or sometimes everything, for a new uncertain start. The process is similar whether it’s a big, transformative change, like starting a new career or moving to a new home, or a smaller change, like those we experience with the seasons (for those of us who live where there are seasons!). Do you feel a bit wistful when you pack away the shorts and flip-flops and bring out the wool sweaters? That’s the feeling I have, at the end of the baseball season. It’s exciting to contemplate my September sabbatical, time to disconnect, travel, spend time seeing new places. But the new adventure doesn’t come without a bit of sadness at finishing the current phase—baseball, summer—and leaving it behind.

During life’s transitions, we’re faced with new options and choices. Send me a message or give me a call at (336) 701-2612 if you would like a partner to help you navigate your next chapter.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.